SAF3 is UNSAF3 for viewing

Dolph Lundgren is to the acting world what Henry Kissinger is to international diplomacy... a one-time heavyweight on the scene who faded into obscurity when his heavy-handed methods fell out of favour.

Ironically enough, their high spots both came during the cold war: Kissinger as the master tactician under Nixon and Ford, Lundgren as the Soviet-built steroid-enhanced machine who killed Apollo Creed but got his ass handed to him by Sylvester Stalone.

However, whereas 90-year-old Kissinger now sits around recalling state secrets for his nursing home buddies, Lundgren (aged 55, looks 65) must continue to pick up a pay cheque somehow.

Stalone threw him a lifeline with two appearances in The Expendables and its sequel, but not content with playing 'old action star No. 5' in those geriaction flicks, he has taken the lead on a new TV series called SAF3.

Now if that spells out 'SAFE' to some of you, there's a good reason for that.  SAF3 stands for Sea, Air, Fire unit 3.

It is basically an elite - and by elite I mean a group of uber-photogenic young actors you've never seen before, a grizzled leader (Lundgren), and a headquarters by the picturesque shoreline of Los Angeles - unit who tackle forest fires and sea rescues.

It was put together by a uniform fetishist obviously, because the young actors get to swap from firefighters uniforms to iconic Baywatch red swimsuits and trunks, at will.

The acting is one-dimensional, the copious use of over-dubbing suggests someone has trouble with their lines and Lundgren stares into the middle distance more often than the quality tester at a Magic Eye Poster factory.

Within the first five minutes of the show, Lundgren has stripped to his swimming trunks (thank God he didn't wear Speedos) and is toweling himself down, flexing his once sculpted torso and trying ever so hard not to look like he is.

For some inexplicable reason, the head of the fire unit demands that music be put on in the kitchen/rec room and that the young people dance around to it (trust me, I'm not making this up), oh, and Lundgren is haunted by the image of his lover drowning (he couldn't save her... but you kind of already knew that didn't you).

SAF3 is set, as I said, in Los Angeles, but not filmed there.  Oh no.  Why go to LA where things are so expensive, when you can fly the unknown cast and crew to South Africa (economy class) to film it there.

This TV show is so bad I offer the following safety proceedures.  If you walk into a room and it is accidentally on the telly, drop to the ground and roll out of the room.  Exposure to even a few minutes of this show can lead to dangerously high levels of despondency building up in your lungs.  Also, once you're out of the room, do not go back in UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, even if there is a loved one sitting on the sofa watching it.  You've lost that person.  Move on.  Stare into the middle distance.  Maybe become a firefighting lifeguard.